strange dreams

So today I awoke several times in the night, each time finding myself in a warm sweat. waking to the feeling of an evil presents in the room. I feels as though there is something directing the dreams that I have and turning them into uncomfortable one. both of the first two included aimless killing. often in a fairly brutal manner. In each case i was fairly over powered and in a place where everything had gone wrong. like a world where suddenly there was no order.

I also had a dream regarding one of my ex girlfriends in which I met here and she was friendly,but every one around me had something against me and ended again with me putting some one in a very awkward position possibly killing them though i don't remember, and again I woke up to thing horrid Ora.

What I failed to mention before, was that prior to my going to sleep I was giving out very welcoming messages inviting things to come to me to talk and feel that there's a possibility that I invited the wrong kind of thing. only time will tell, but this sleeping problem appears to be a recurring thing. Each time I will awake feeling wide awake, and from what i know you should only dream once you have finished rejuvenating, so I am dreaming way too much way to soon in the night. I am however not tired the following days

I just saw you again, the sad thing was when i saw you it wasn’t a good feeling. I could feel my blood boil, but then it got me thinking . lol look who i saw you with, i find it amazing how you can spend so much time bitching about someone only to meet up with them and hang around with them like you don’t. The saddest thing is its you doing it, the person who said she changed because she didn’t like people doing it to her, and let me tell you now it’s still the case. The more people i talk to the more i find that you’re still the same. You’re just not aware of it. If anything i should be thanking you for reminding me just how bad the integrity of your friendships are. I know i may not be the best friend but i certainly do not spend so much time putting people down. And ask such specific questions which in tern always leave me thinking that my actions are just. What saddens me the most knows that i was letting you get close. When the first thing you probably did i bitch about me. And its things like this that always made me hold back. I never got the feeling that you cared to much about my welfare. No know that you were just using me as a stepping stone until other people were back in oxford. You said it from the start u don’t see yourself with me in the future and it was things like that that i was always thinking. I still don’t understand that if we were running the same race, jumping the same hurdles. Why did you keep tripping me up always going on about how “you’re not good enough at this” “or i don’t like this”

Firsty let me say, that i miss you. I miss you more than i have missed any one ever before. I act like im ok but the truth is that when i loose my concentration and thing of you and overwhelming sadness seeps into by body. Its so overpowering that its enough to prise a tear from my eye. When i spoke to you last you kept making out that this was not that sad and that i would be sad if i lost anything, and the truth is that you are wrong. There are things that i have lost in my life that should mean so much more to me than this. When my dad died i did not cry, i didn’t even flinch. I cam back one day to find my mum crying and when i asked her why she just kept saying “im so sorry” unable o say a word more. At the time i had no idea what was going on. When she was finally able to she called my sister and then said “it’s your dad he had an accident, hes dead” i paused for a second and waited, staring into the mirror. Gazing into my own eyes. Waiting for that feeling but it never came. I had a sad feeling, sad for the death of some one that was once in my life, but nothing like the sadness that I feel now when i thing how i have lost you.

You probably don’t even understand many of my feeling for you because in order to have done so i would have had to explain things to you that were contained in my previous relationships and were not things that i felt i could talk to you about when i was with you, through fear of you getting the wrong idea. Which isa complete shame because I finally feel like i could open up to you and not have to worry about u thinking the wrong thing. These are things are some of the things that held me back and i had trouble coming to grips with. It’s always easier to say thing than to do them. Which is hard when you’ve had bad experiences pounded into your head. Im sure i said to you before that fear is something that you learn. And from my experiences there were things that i had been taught to be afraid you that i had trouble letting go of. I that with the right person and enough time and a little bit of reassurance i would have been fine and able to turn into the person that i see in my mind. Im not so sure how that will play out anymore

The only thought im left with now is the thought of emptiness, the idea that no matter what i do i will always walk away with nothing, and that scares me so so much. Because at the end of the day i have no faith that i will ever find the person who has the things i need. And to compromised would only be hurting myself, especially after i found the majority of those things in one person. So how can i expect myself to go and find someone new without first making the comparison of old to new? What happens when i find myself in a situation where I’m thinking “this wouldn’t have happened with 玛莎 so why should i let it happen now. Just how many time can you open your heart to someone before it become to much. If the situation only repeats itself then the thought appears that even there person who seems to be alright, is just a false sense of hope ready to bear the truth and leave.